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i hate being in love. its the worst and the best put into an enormous blender and hacked to bits until it is as jumbled and confused as a conglomerate of rocks in granite.
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I am pretty sure that i am the only 18 year old in the world insane enough to be turned on by math. i swear. i was so mad at anthony, because its been a week since i talked to him last and i got mad at him and said bitchy things, and he didnt email back until i sent him a math problem that i was having trouble with. it turns me on sooo much to see his writing, explaining that i need to use the pythagorean therom to find the derivitive of the two line segments. wow. i almost gasped in pleasure.
its odd, because i know hes still mad at me, but i am so full of love for him that i could care less. ive been having such a bad day, acting out like a small child and having natasha get annoyed at me, not knowing what im doing next year and being so scared, then losing the soccer game by 1 point, and not being able to do anything because of my ankle, then figuring out how much weight i have gained in the last 3 weeks (alot) and all that. and then i got his email and it made everything better.
i feel like im in love with anthony whenever i dont hang out with him for a while. because when im with him, i remember why i dont like himn that way: he is not that attractive, he sometimes acts like a petchulant small child, he is so eager to please me, he gets kinda jealous, he is too nice to me, he pushes me sometimes when in heat, and i am still stronger than he is.
but math, oh math. im so glad that i have one subject that im not perfect in, so that i will always have someone to turn me on. i LOVE it when boys are better than me at things. like when you play the bass (SO hot) or when will beats me in wrestling. i like for boys to put up a good fight for alpha of the relationship. i just want to be dominated. sigh
there is an internal fight that rages within me: the supreme dictatress of the world before whom all kneel in awe and fear, and the loving housewife/mother who bakes and sews and ALWAYS cleans up after her dear husband.
i kinda just want to crawl into a whole in the mountain and sleep for 100 years. that would be nice.
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all the people ive kissed:

German Dude 1
German dude 2
Abrocrombie dude
Meridith dude
Brazilian Dude
Friend of Meridith
Beanie dude (yanni’s friend)
flute player

hmmm… i feel like im missing a few guys, but i can’t think of who. wow. I know for a fact that 4 of these guys are gay, 8 I don’t remember the name of, 5 are girls, and 6 are bass players in sfyo. 2 have been my boyfriends, 9 I kissed in a different country, 7 I have kissed on multiple occasions, three I have been in love with, 1 had a lip ring, 1 did this amazing lip nibbling thing, 3 snogged my ears, 4 gave me hickeys, and 6 I have slept in the same bed with. haha I sound so devious, but most of them were very very innocent, but 2 I had to run away from.
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so i am lying awake in my bed right now, not able to fall asleep because i am scared of life. i am scared of not getting my times for crew for princeton, i am scared of getting at and ugly, and i am scared of failing out of college. i got into calpoly today. woopy! (sarcastic) i probably wont go there. i have worked too hard my high school carreer to go there. but it would be so much fun. i could probably do anything that i wanted to do there.

i have 3 dates this weekend. friday with angelo, saurday morning with micheal severance and sat night with yanni. i am dating the other two boys because i am so in love with yanni that i need to not be. HE IS GAY!!!
but he takes care of me and loves me and does what i want to do, but he is not weak and indecisive. he does what i want to do just to make me happy. i am wearing one of his shirts now, one that says, someone who loves me bought me this shirt in prague.it still smells like him, which is why i always borrow his clothes.

i want angelo to make out with. i dont want to get too attached, or too emotional. i just want a willing participant in my kissing games. but he is 17.... is that too pedophilish? two years is not that much, and besides.... noone knows im 19 anyways. and angelo sounds cute anyways. he is chucks friend, and if it will make mine and chuck's friendship better, i am all for it.

i talked with ashely today. i remember whta is is like to be a sophomore. hahaha i am so glad to be almost over.
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El sitio es una habitación con un sillón y nada más. Rosa está sentanda en el sillón. Su cara es en sus manos. Ella parece triste.

Rosa(En un voz baja): ¿Porqué? ¿Porqué? Donde esta mi amor? Mi amor, oh! mi amor! ¡Yo quiero besarte, pero tu no estás aquí! ¿Donde estás? He esperado por tres horas. Espero que nada malo haya ocurrido.
Ella se arrodilla, y pone las manos si estuviera esta rezando.
Querido Dios! Si tu me das mi amor, yo voy a ir a la Iglesia cada Domingo…. no, cada día!

Federico: (El entra por una puerta. Con un voz alta) Tu no vas a ver a tu amor nunca más! Él está muerto!

Rosa: No!

Federico: ¡Si! Es la verdad. Acabo de ver el cuerpo de tu amor.

Rosa: ¡No! Federico Miguel de Espiritu, tú eres un mentiroso. Javier Jose Sanchez no puede morir. Mi amor le da fuerza a el. Yo se que el no es muerto. ¡Lo se, Lo SE! (Ella empieza a llorar fuerte)

Federico: Lo siento mi amiga, pero es la verdad. Yo vi toda la escena. Javier Jose Sanchez y yo íbamos caminado por el parque cuando los Huesos Bailarinas encontraron. Yo trate de luchar, pero había muchos hombres allí, y Javier Jose Sanchez y yo no ganamos. Con suerte, yo escape, pero no había ángeles con Javier Jose Sanchez.

Rosa: No no no! mi amor, mi amor! Que voy a hacer ahora. Yo quiero morir, si yo no puedo estar con mi amor.

Federico: No, es mejor si tú vivas. Yo estoy aquí para ayudarte. (Sonreír)

(Maria entra en la habitación y se llevo una copa de te. Ella lo da a Rosa. Entonces, Maria y Federico caminan a la mujer que esta llorando. Maria besa a Federico)

Maria Josefina Bolivia, el amor de mi vida, la primera parte del plan esta completa.

Maria: (en un susurro alto) ¿Que sabe ella?

Federico: Nada. Nuestro secreto esta seguro.

Maria: ¿Empujaste Javier Jose Sanchez de la montana y lo dejaste a morir?

Federico: Si, con gran placer. ¡hahaha!

Maria: Ahora, necesitas que Rosa Salchicha Fernández te ame. Ella tiene muchísimo dinero. Si te casas con ella, y ella se muere, entonces nosotros podemos salir a las Bahamas con todo el dinero de Rosa Salchicha Fernández. muahahahh.

Federico: Tu eres completamente malo, y me encanta! Yo quiero besarte, pero Rosa Salchicha Fernández puede vernos, y Rosa Salchicha Fernández necesite pensar que yo estoy enamorado de ella.

Maria: No cambies mis planes, por favor. Yo los he pensando por mucho tiempo. No los estropes. Yo no tengo dinero, y tú no tienes dinero, si su amiga debe morir. Nosotros debemos estar juntos para siempre.

Federico: Si, pero necesitas irte ahora. Necesito enamorar a la chica llorando. Y cuando tu estes en la habitación, te quiero a ti, a los ojos azules y la boca llena y el pelo… Maria, oh Maria, como yo puedo fingir que me gusta Rosa Salchicha Fernandez cuando tengo una mujer real en mi vida?

Maria: Basta! Tedremos tiempo para el amor cuando Rosa Salchicha Fernández este muerte. ¡Ahora, vete!
(ella se apura a el, y Maria sale de la habitación)

Federico: (a Rosa) ¡Como estas, bonita chica!

Rosa: Un poco mejor, gracias a ti. Tú eres y me ayudas con mis problemas, y yo quiero decirte gracias. Yo se que tu eras un gran amigo, Javier Jose Sanchez.

Federico: (un poco preocupado) No necesito decir Gracias… yo no puedo salvarle. Pero, tu no debes estar sola esta noche… yo voy a quedarme en tu casa esta noche, para protegerte.

Dos Meses Pasados:

Naradora: Dos meses pasados. Federico y Rosa va a casarse.

Sra. Gomez Hernandez: Oh, mi bebe Rosa Salchicha Fernandez. Después de hoy, yo voy a llamarte “Rosa Salchicha Fernandez De spiritu.” Tu novio es muy guapo, señor Federico. Tu estas preocupadas sobre la noche de tu boda? No tengas miedo, por favor, porque si el es tierno….

Rosa: Abuela! hoy es mi Boda con Federico, pero no puedo parar pensar en Javier Jose Sanchez.

Sra. Gomez Hernandez: Ahh, es posible que tu vas a tener miedo pero el sentimiento va a pasar. Tú necesitas concentración sobre la gran noche. Que pijamas tu vas a llevar? Algo sedoso o suave? Durante la noche de mi boda, lleva un vestido largo y blanco, con petticoats y encajes. Mi novio no pudo encontrar mi cuerpo!

(tiempo pasado)

El Sacerdote: Si hay alguien que piense que ellos no deben casarse, que lo diga ahora o calle para siempre….

(Javier entre con las montanas personas)

Javier: Yo estoy en contra de este matrimonio!

Rosa: Javier Jose Sanchez!

Federico: Javier Jose Sanchez!

Maria: Javier Jose Sanchez!

El Sacerdote: ¿Javier Jose Sanchez?

Javier: Para la boda! Yo he venido a tomara mi amor, mi Rosa!

Rosa: (En una aturdido): Javier Jose Sanchez… pero tu estas muerto!

Maria: Tu llegas tarde! Ellos ya se casaron.

Javier: No, mi amor no puedo estar casada con un asesino!

Rosa: Un asesino?

Federico: No lo escuches! Yo soy tu amor verdad. El es un impostor.

Javier: Querida Rosa, recuerda el tiempos cuando nosotros caminamos por la playa? Este chico trata de robar nuestro amor. El me tiro de una montaña. Yo estaba cerca de la muerte, pero una banda de personas de las montanas me resacaron. Yo perdí mi memoria hasta yo olí unas flores de rosas, y me recordaron todo. Entonces, yo corri a esta iglesia a parar la boda!

Rosa: Es la verdad? No puedo creer nada!
Pero yo tengo un secreto. No soy Rosa. Soy la gemela de Rosa, Rosita. Lo Siento

Rosa Real: Yo SOY ROSA!
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“Put your shoes on missy, don’t you know you’re in the city!” my Grandmother would tell me before going anywhere in the city of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I was six years old, very unruly, running about her pristine house with dirty feet and a happy grin.
“Get out of my kitchen!” she would shout when I tried to get a snack from the refrigerator, and when I placed on my face a sweet smile that would usually melt the hardest heart, she would inform me, “you’re not cute” in a thick eastern accent. My Grandmother could see everything, from the smallest piece of dirt on her white carpet to the messes that were in our future, that we would be stopped by her firm hand from making.
Now bedridden and decrepit, in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, my grandmother lays in silence. Those eyes that once spotted a tear in my Christmas dress and those hands that helped me to sew up the small split in the seam so many years ago are now immobile. The stern, loving words are lost forever, fragments of which are kept in a sacred place in my memory. Her clean, pure soap smell is replaced by the stench of heavy hospital food and the antibacterial fluids.
As I saw her, laying in an encasing silence, I could not help to try to fill the void created by the absence of her discerning air. “Hey Grandma! Howya doing?” I repeat over and over, attempting to capture on glace or feeling of recognition, but her tired blue eyes seem caught on an object past my left ear. “Grandma, it’s Maggie, Catherine’s daughter from California. You remember Cathy, right? Cathy, Patty, John, Jeanne, Tom, Jim and Mike,” naming off all of her seven children in an effort to make her respond to my entreating voice.
“Remember when you used to make Strawberry Short Cake in the summers, eating under the shade of the evergreens that grow in your backyard? Remember when I was small, and I used to talk too much at the dinner table, disturbing the quiet and peace, and you would hold a finger to your lips and shoosh me? Remember dancing with me at Patty’s wedding when no one else could? Do you remember Grandma?”
But I could tell it was hopeless. Her mind, deteriorating for the past three years, had finally lost all memory of her third grandchild of twenty-five, her grandchild that was holding her blue veined hand as she continued to babble about things forgotten and past.
“I am a lot bigger now. I go to an all girl’s catholic school, and I am graduating this year. Remember you said you would come visit me in California when I graduated? Will you be there as I receive my diploma?”
Tears drip down my eyes as her hand lies sweaty in mine. This is probably the last time I will ever see my grandmother alive, but she doesn’t even know me anymore. My grown voice is unrecognizable, a stranger crying on her white chrome hospital bed. I could not bear to see her lying there, trapped by her loss of facial movements the quiet enclosure of her mind.
“I am doing well in school Grandma, but we all miss you in California. I just finished my first semester of Senior year, and I believe that I have done well in all of my classes. Well, maybe not so well in Calculus, but we will see. The test was pretty hard…”
As I ramble, I catch her crystal eyes finally rest on my face. A lightness comes to her eyes as she attempts to bring her finger to her mouth and resolutely, as if she is straining all of her muscles for one small movement, says, “Shoosh!” and begins to laugh quietly at the surprise and joy written on my face. And with a smile, I join in her silence, quietly contemplating the joy of the solitude of the long winter day.
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i love working out. today i ran 5.5 miles, did heavy weights for 35 minutes and went to basketball practice. my legs are killing me. i did squats with 90 lbs in sets of 20. i also upped my weights for all of my arm presses, light bench which i did 90 lbs as well in sets of 20. my lat pulls were 75 instead of 60, in sets of 10. i also did pecs, with 50 lbs in sets of 20.
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hey yanni,
it is so odd. i got rejected!
at first i was pretty sad. but then i realized how incredibly awesome i am and how much they are missing out. and then i started looking over my application to see what i can do better for my princeton application and my harvard one. i am not really upset anymore because i know that it was not about me, not about what i did during my time at school or extracurriculars.

so im okay, except for the fact i have 3 finals tomorrow and it is freakn cold outside.

ive been thinking a lot about billy actually. he seemed like a real person when he was talking to his roommate, not just an awkward boy. and he has such a hot body. i just really liked the way he held me all night, which was so warm and comfortable. and he was the big spoon. i think i might just go out with him. that would be fun.

your chocolate helped me a lot today. i ate like a whole bag.

now im just going to strive for even more perfection. im going to send them my rowing times, make a better cd of me playing bass, finish my phytoplankton project, and basically be an even more awesome applicant. because i think that will help me to get into the schools that i want to go to.

also it will help me succeed in life in general. i want to be supermaggie, and im not going to let some old dudes stand in my way.

love love love


ps i wont see you for 3 weeks :(

muchisimos besos a ti.
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i am still awesome. i am still the same. i still am a super cool person. now i will allow another school to figure that out. too bad for you yale for rejecting me.
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do not think about yale. do not think about yale.
do not think about yale. do not think about yale.
do not think about yale. do not think about yale.
do not think about yale. do not think about yale.
do not think about yale. do not think about yale.
do not think about yale. do not think about yale.

i find out in 4 hours.

will i still be the same person if they reject me? of course.
i am basically awesome. and if they cant see it, thats their problem. i have done all that i can do. so now on to the finer things in life:

chocolate, music, boys, ee cummings, ts eliot, trees, christmas, leather jackets, friends, family, natahsa, jaynee, yanni, chuck, tina, buff, nora,
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